Reclaiming Self Care, Care for Self
What if we reimagined self-care as community care?
Self-care. Caring for the self. Why is it so radical? And why is it imperative for us to reclaim it?
I learned today that the term “self-care” was coined by Audre Lorde. (Yes, pardon my ignorance.)
Yet, unlike what we imagine as self-care today (face masks, a day at the spa, foot rubs, treating ourselves to coffee and cake, going on vacation etc.), Lorde had a very different idea of what self-care is and why we should practice it.
“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” — Audre Lorde, A Burst of Light (Epilogue)
I saw a video on social media today that talked briefly about how capitalism has co-opted the idea of self-care and turned it into something quite different from what Lorde originally intended when she coined the phrase. And it got me thinking.
Sidebar: Apologies again for not being able to link the original video, it has disappeared into the abyss of social-media-landia and may never be found again.
There’s a very good reason why the phrase self-care immediately conjures up an image of a human (often white, often female/femme-presenting) in a bathrobe with a refreshing drink in their hand, their hair in a towel, cucumber slices on their eyes, and face covered in a mask of green gunk while someone gives them a foot massage.
Or maybe y’all are imagining something else, idk (let me know).
It looks (feels) self-indulgent, and for those of us who could really use a dose of self-care, it feels frivolous and out-of-reach.
I don’t have time for that kind of nonsense, we tell ourselves, dismissing the very possibility that we could “take time to care for ourselves”.
Yet, if that’s you, you probably have more need for self-care than anyone else.
The thing is, what if self-care doesn’t have to look (or feel) like that?
Capitalism has sold us the idea that self-care looks like what I described above but here’s a thought — what if we needed exactly the opposite?
Isn’t it weird that when we think about taking care of ourselves, we think about spending a bunch of money on buying random products to put on our face/hands/bodies/feet to make ourselves feel better or paying for luxury treatments or even just isolating ourselves from others to meditate and journal?
Now, I’m not saying that these products/activities/practices don’t have a place in how we take care of ourselves. But I think it is important to also look beyond the individual as an individual and recognize ourselves as part of a larger whole, the community.
When do we have the most need for self-care?
When we are tired, exhausted, burned out, overwhelmed. We’re at our wit’s end trying to do all the things — from managing the household to tasks at work, from paying the bills to keeping the kids fed and clothed — keeping all the proverbial balls in the air, so to speak.
In this situation, how helpful is taking a spa day, or spending an hour doing yoga and meditating, or slapping on a facemask before bed?
Sure, it might feel good on a superficial level, but ultimately, when you get back to your “real life” all the things that you left on pause come crashing back down on top of your head and you’re left feeling even more exhausted, burned out, or overwhelmed (if that’s even possible).
What if we asked ourselves: Who does that idyllic idea (dream) of what self-care looks like benefit?
Not the person who is desperately in need of some care, not really. But rather the companies and corporations that are selling you these products, experiences, and activities as a band-aid to a much deeper wound that’s still left festering, even after you do all the “self-care” that you’ve been told would fix things.
And when you’re inevitably still left feeling drained and exhausted after your “self-care” activities, you start questioning if there’s something wrong with you — if you’re the reason why self-care doesn’t work. Because why else would it be promoted as a solution to us all if it didn’t work, right?
Well, because it makes money, and I’m sure by now we’re all familiar with the fact that that’s what folks in power care about — not people, not the planet, not anything but profits.
By putting the onus on each individual to care for themselves in isolation, in a silo, cut off from each other, rather than depending on one another, we destroy the fundamental threads that bind us all. We start seeing each other as separate beings, rather than interconnected lives whose actions, whose wellbeing, whose very existence is inextricably linked to that of others around us.
Self-care as we think of it today is yet another symptom of us seeking individual solutions to collective problems.
What if we thought about caring for the self as a function of the greater whole? What if we thought of self-care in the context of community? What if we can’t do self-care alone but rather, need others to care for us too?
So what does self-care as community care look like?
We need to shift the focus away from individual self-care practices to focus on actions that benefit our collective well-being.
This could look like mutual aid and support networks. Friend groups where we can take turns to look after the kids so the parents have a much-needed respite. Neighbors you can count on to help you with the groceries (because you would do the same for them). A true community that cares for each individual member collectively because it is built on deep relationships of mutual care, love, and support. There’s an understanding that I cannot be well when someone I love is in need/hurting.
There’s a recognition that every member of the community is an important part of it, and accordingly, respect, care, and support are given to each member so that they can lead a life of dignity and thrive, not merely survive. From the elders in the community to differently-abled members, accommodations are provided, not out of obligation but out of a profound understanding that what benefits them* benefits us too.
*I’m writing this from my perspective as an able-bodied human in a society where differently abled or anything outside the realm of that is seen as “other”.
Going back to Audre Lorde’s powerful quote
“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” — Audre Lorde, A Burst of Light (Epilogue)
I think reimagining self-care within the larger context of community care is an act of political warfare. In a time where our politicians and leaders seek to divide us by pointing out our differences, choosing to find, build, and create communities of mutual care and respect is a radical act.
When we choose to opt out of this us-versus-them thinking and start seeing each other as fellow brothers and sisters, and start seeing the animals we share this planet with as equally worthy of kindness and respect, and start seeing the earth as our one home that sustains us, and can continue sustaining us — if we care for ourselves and each other, we can start imagining a new world, a new future for us all.
I wonder what kind of world we could create, and how much better it would be for all of us — if we divested from this idea that self-care is entirely focused on the individual, and started seeing it as an essential part of our existence as members of a thriving community.
I wonder how much better off we would be if, in addition to yoga and facemasks and spa days, we started providing essential goods like food, water, hygiene products, shelter, and medical and mental health services to everyone, without the expectation that they have to “work” simply to be afforded an existence.
I wonder where we could all get together if we started seeing each other as essential elements of our individual well-being, rather than separate beings who happen to occupy the same planet — and focused on creating pathways for us to all thrive together.
I wonder when we’re gonna get our shit together and actually create this world for us all — a world where we tend to each other’s needs, support each other instead of tearing each other down, care for one another, cheer each other on, and band together for our collective good rather than the individual success of each — because I think it’s possible. We just need to do it.
And it starts with me and you.
Will you join me?
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Mutual aid and support networks rings a bell.
I remember when growing up our neighborhoods used to help my mother take care of my siblings and I as she had to work two jobs to be able to sustain the basic necessities at home.
My neighbor used to give me a bath, feed me and take care of me as if I were part of her family. It created a nice bond between the un neighbors and my family.
Till this day, people continue helping each other with certain things such as taking kids to school, watching over an ill child or taking care of pets when someone isn't around. Just to mention a few of them.
I definitely believe it's possible to create a support network which would make people's lives less complicated. Helping others who are in need of it is as important as learning to receive help.