Why we (don't) care.
Discover more from trains-and-planes-and-bikes-and-buses of thought
“Why should I care about anyone else?”
“I’m at the very top of the hierarchies and I have access to all the resources. Why should I share those with others?”
“I only care about the 20 people in my circle that I know and love. I want them to have all the resources. I only want us to have the very best, and I don’t care about anyone else.”
My breath caught in my chest as I heard those words.
I felt my heart break — first a little, then a lot.
I would have cried, but I didn’t.
Maybe I should have.
Even writing out that small interaction feels heavy, but maybe that’s just because of how things are in the world right now1.
But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about heavy things, which is why I’m writing this Substack2.
That interaction had a profound impact on me, which is why I feel called to share it here — I think perhaps there is value in sharing things that move or impact me deeply, in the hopes that it reaches the one person it needs to.
So here goes:
I attended a Meetup event a few days ago. It was a language exchange type event, where locals and foreigners alike get together to practice/speak the languages they know and form new connections. To make the process of connecting easier, the organizer gives everyone a flag of the country that represents the languages they speak.
It was all fun and jolly conversation for the most part.
Towards the end of the evening, a guy came up to me and we started chatting in Spanish.
How wonderful to speak this language I love, that reminds me of people and places I love.
It was a casual conversation and as these things do, the conversation meandered.
He asked me what languages I speak.
English, Spanish, and Tamil, I said, but I don’t have a flag for Tamil because there isn’t one. I could get the flag for India, but that usually is an indication that I speak Hindi, which I don’t.
Oh yeah, Hindi is the official language in India. It’s funny how so many people in the South are resistant to speaking it! - he said.
I replied, Well, that makes sense because it’s not their language - why should they speak it?
What followed was a discussion about colonization, the actions and experiences of our ancestors, war, whether individuals can change the world, capitalism, and our humanity.
We disagreed on almost every topic that came up.
On colonialism:
He was proud of his colonial heritage. That a majority of people around the world speak certain European languages (English, Spanish, French) as a direct result of colonization, was a matter of pride to him that his ancestors had triumphed over other peoples.
To me, that we speak such a limited handful of languages because of our colonial past and that hundreds if not thousands more languages have been erased from the face of the earth along with their speakers and their cultures, traditions, histories, and wisdom - is something to mourn.
On the actions and experiences of our ancestors:
He celebrated the actions of his ancestors that have left such a lasting legacy on the world. They had superior arms and a better military, they were more capable and effective - it was a glorious time of conquest. Besides, going further back in history, we see other empires of men that have conquered and colonized people around the world.
I pointed out that this “lasting legacy” is a direct result of murder, genocide, and horrifying violence. It may have been a time of glorious conquest for the colonizers, but for the majority of the world, it was a very, very dark time indeed. There’s no need to celebrate or glorify the past, simply because it is passed — and simply because others have done something before you(r ancestors) doesn’t make it right or even acceptable.
On war:
He argued that war is a natural part of our human DNA — tribes and communities have been fighting and killing one another for centuries. My perspective is that that doesn’t justify it, nor does it necessitate that we continue on that path into the present or future. Surely, we have evolved beyond the murderous tendencies of our forefathers who, perhaps, had little other option to ensure survival.
On whether individuals can change the world:
Each of us is a drop in the ocean, he said. We can’t possibly change the world. You can’t change 8 billion people as one person.
My perspective is that 8 billion people — are still people. Each one an individual, yet, but each also connected to all others. If I share an idea that changes the minds of 2 people, and they go on to change the minds of 2 other people, and so on and so forth, we can change the world. Historic movements, revolutions, global change - they have all been the work of individuals.
On capitalism:
He is comfortably at the top of many hierarchies upheld by capitalism as an able-bodied, cis-gender, heterosexual white male, and immensely privileged as an expat in Singapore too. He said he is happy to play within the rules because he and his are all taken care of in this system designed to exploit and extract. He wanted to get to the top and stay at the top - and if that meant others were crushed in the process, so be it.
I…simply can’t get behind this system.
He said:
“Why should I care about anyone else?”
“I’m at the very top of the hierarchies and I have access to all the resources. Why should I share those with others?”
“I only care about the 20 people in my circle that I know and love. I want them to have all the resources. I only want us to have the very best, and I don’t have to care about anyone else.”
On our humanity:
It was evident to me that we didn’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of (to me) basic topics. After he had put forth the idea that he simply did not see any reason to care about anybody other than the people he knew and loved, I honestly didn’t know what else to say.
So I spoke my truth.
I told him that it makes me sad that he feels that way.
That my heart breaks that he doesn’t think it necessary for him to give a shit about anyone else apart from himself, his friends, his family.
That it pains me that we’ve reached this point where we don’t see our shared humanity and how inextricably linked we all are — past, present, and future.
He softened at that, and smiled with a touch of sympathy? compassion? empathy? Perhaps, hearing me, a stranger, speak of my heartbreak and pain moved him?
Perhaps he did care about someone beyond those 20 people he knows and loves.
Our conversation tapered off there, with the usual pleasantries - let’s agree to disagree, good conversation, nice meeting you, it was good to hear from “the other side”.
But it left me with a heavy heart and a lot to think about.
This conversation was a bit of a wake-up call for me.
I hadn’t engaged with anyone on these topics who held such diametrically opposing views to mine. The friends of mine I often engage with on these topics hold largely similar perspectives - we might vary on how these ideals should be executed or the best path to achieving these dreams, but the future we dream about is the same.
Social media tends to be an echo chamber too, where the algorithm feeds you more and more of what you agree with, your agreement given in the form of likes. Sure, I may not “like” what Trump is saying but I’d still like to know what he’s saying. But that becomes harder on social media.
Experts and researchers have also commented on how insidious social media is in radicalizing people’s views. Compounded with the echo chamber effect, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that everyone holds similar beliefs to yours.
I admit, I fell into this trap.
So speaking with someone who is so far right he could claim that colonialism was a good thing and assert that he simply didn’t care about anyone he didn’t know felt like someone had dumped a bucket of cold water on my head.
Not everyone lives inside my bubble.
I guess I let myself believe that this path I’ve chosen for myself — of defending the rights of everyone, of dismantling ALL systems of oppression whatever they may look like, of dreaming of a future where we all have the resources we need to not just survive but thrive — would be easy.
It’s evident that it will not.
I’m sure I will again and again, feel like I’ve been doused in cold water, feel like I can’t breathe, feel like my heart is breaking into a thousand tiny pieces. And maybe at some point, these things won’t simply be feelings but lived reality. And I hope I will still have the courage to continue on this path.
I am grateful for the stranger who took the time to engage (respectfully and kindly) with me about these topics. I’m saddened that to him, everything that we discussed may have been a matter of intellectual debate — he, himself so far removed from the lived realities of the people his positions are oppressing.
It got me thinking (and questioning) my beliefs about travel.
You see, I’d always thought that if you leave your home country (perhaps even your home city) and travel, there is no way you can hold on to a view like “I only care about the 20 people in my circle that I know and love, everyone else can suck it.”
But this guy had traveled to dozens of countries!
He had lived abroad, he had visited a whole bunch of places, it seemed - yet, he was perfectly content to throw everyone else to the dogs if that meant he and his would be okay.
Why?
I started realizing that travel is not the magic pill I thought it was.
I had thought travel necessarily opens your eyes — because my eyes had been opened through my travels.
I had thought travel helps you get in touch with your humanity — because my humanity had been awakened by my journeys.
My interaction with this guy taught me that that’s not true.
Travel opens up your eyes and your heart, but only if you’re ready to see and feel.
Travel is not just about the places you visit, but also about the people you meet.
And to experience any sort of real transformation, you have to actually take yourself out of your comfort zone and actively seek out human connections. You have to want to learn from their lived experiences, their stories, their histories.
Because it’s easy enough for us to take an all-inclusive trip to Cancun and say that we’ve traveled to Mexico.
It’s safe to hop on a tour bus with 25 other people who look like you, think like you, have the same beliefs as you and visit 17 different souvenir shops selling kitschy “local” items that are all Made in China.
It’s comfortable to hit the top 10 must-see sights in each country listed in a “5 Best Vacation Destinations in Europe” list with your three best friends and check them off your bucket list.
But it takes effort to step off the beaten path and curate your own top 10 must-see sights.
It takes energy to immerse yourself in the local environment, seek out local food, experience a different lifestyle.
It can be uncomfortable to try to connect with locals, to ask them about their lives, their journeys, their histories - whether it’s because of a language barrier or because it simply isn’t easy to earn someone’s trust and confidence.
But it is so, so rewarding.
That’s really how travel has changed me.
Sure, seeing the Leaning Tower of Pisa is cool, but hearing about Mariano’s childhood growing up in Italy was far more meaningful.
Getting drenched in the spray of the Iguazu Falls was refreshing, but being welcomed into Junior’s family as a prima and still getting occasional messages enquiring about my health was a balm to my soul. Saudades de todos vocês.
Partying in Khao San Road was pretty epic, but sitting on the floor with Thai villagers and sharing a meal of sticky rice and barbequed pork while chatting about their hopes for their children to learn English and get a good job one day is a different kind of special.
The magical part of travel is not just the incredible places you get to visit, but also the wonderful people you get to meet, if you make the effort to connect with them.
Travel has changed me in amazing and magnificent ways, yes.
But more than that, it has opened my eyes up to the truth that despite how much people try to divide us, try to tell us we are different because of the color of our skin or the place we were born or the God(s) we pray to, try to separate you from me and him from her and us from them, we are all just humans. Trying to do the best we can with what we know and what we have.
Travel has connected me to (my) humanity. And it has restored my faith in humanity too.
At the end of my conversation with the guy at the language exchange, I told him:
I’m an idealist.
I dream of the day when we can all look at each other and see ourselves.
I’m hoping for the day that we will wake up and realize that we are not so different, that we are more alike than we realize and that we are all bound to each other. Each and every one of us.
And I will keep striving towards this future that I’m dreaming of.
Because I know you feel like you can’t change the world, but I believe that I will.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?-Our Deepest Fear, by Marianne Williamson
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At the time of writing, over 4,400 Palestinians have been killed in Israeli attacks and there is no ceasefire agreement in sight. News and social media feeds are flooded with images and reports of the massacre and genocide taking place there, even as other conflicts rage across other parts of the world such as Afghanistan, Central African Republic, Ethiopia, Libya, Somalia, South Sudan, and Syria, with much less media coverage.
My apologies to all the readers who signed up for this newsletter in the hopes that it would “bring joy” — as one of my readers commented. Sometimes, we must focus on the heavy things now so that more of us can experience joy in the future.
Why we (don't) care.
Phew. Thank you for sharing. As painful as it can be sometimes to be blasted out of our echo chambers in this way, it's also an important reminder that so many people in the world had so many differing viewpoints. In regards to travel opening up your mind, and him not having the same experience, I think it's very much a condition of 'wherever you go, there you are'. If you have a closed mindset in Location A, going to Location B won't necessarily change that. It also depends on why you're going to Location B.
Anyway. Thank you for sharing, and take care of yourself, esp after things like that that can be so jarring.
Thank you for this powerful read.